


heavydirtysØul

by MontyKarl



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Prayer, Religious Conflict, Religious Guilt, i have no idea what im doing and im sorry, sin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 04:52:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4906207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MontyKarl/pseuds/MontyKarl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler has a conversation about Josh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	heavydirtysØul

and i ask myself, 'why am i like this?'

and i ask God, 'why am i like this?'

I want to scream with my hands pressed together, my knees pressing firmly against the rough carpet, 'is it a sin to love someone?'

it's moments like this i wonder if there's anyone listening.

it's times like these when i think that his smile and his touch and his love are worth more than my own soul.

but 'what about his soul?'

does he know, of course he does.

it makes me wonder if he has been in this same spot.

carpet burn and bruised knuckles.  
wet eyes and a heavy heart.

can i repent for love?

is this just another test like those i found before? but without rope or window ledges or the dark?

i have waited so long for Him to deliver me from pain, from anxiety, from fear.

i have felt myself forgiven for anytime my doubt was too loud for my own thoughts to comprehend.

He _must_ have sent him to me.

there is no way that he could be devil's work.

he's too pure, he's too perfect, he loves so unconditionally.  
but he makes me think of sin.

he makes me think of things i cannot wash away.

he makes me get down on my knees for wanting to get down on my  
knees.

i do scream, i scream at my walls and my ceiling, my eyes shut tightly.

if Jesus loves me why wouldn't he want me to love another man as well?

if God is testing me why this way, why now, why.  
how can the safe calm i feel with him be so bad?

why can't i be happy without wondering if i'm allowed.

am i supposed to suffer in (t)his light?

'you send me someone who understands me, someone who makes me think twice about the dark thoughts i have begged you to take away'

'you let me have him but that's just it, i'm not allowed'

'CAN YOU SAVE ME?'

'WOULD YOU SAVE ME?'

'PLEASE'

**'PLEASE SAVE ME'**

a soul as heavy as mine now dirty.

i look at my hands and i see them as though they are covered so visibly in the black sin of when i touched him.

my throat is on fire and surely would be just as black for the way i spoke to him.

the things i said that i know i can't be so easily forgiven for.  
and he let me.

'and You let me.'

'why?'

i wait so patiently in the silence for a response of any kind.  
....

my phone rings and it's him and for that moment i smile.

**Author's Note:**

> alright, i am not a religious person per se, but i have a lot of feelings.  
> lack of capitalization is intentional?  
> please, if offend anyone im sorry i just yeah.


End file.
